The Top Places to Sleep on Vacation


7. The bottom of the Grand Canyon.
6. A hammock made of gold linen.
5. The saddle of a galloping steed.
4. Your own suitcase.
3. A stranger’s suitcase.
2. Sleep is for the weak.
1. Tattoo parlor chair.

The Top Nicknames for Seatmates


5. Mr. 7F
4. Detective Pickles
3. Future Plaintiff
2. Seaty McAirplane
1. Jennifer

Not seen here: a sink.

The Peninsula Chicago is known for its wide array of bathing options. They must have at least a sink, a bathtub and a shower. My personal favorite is the shower and its traditional steady stream of water. I shower with purpose.

The James Hotel in Chicago is a vortex of the mind. It was as if I had crossed over into the future. I can’t put my finger on exactly why I felt this way. But I knew I should have packed my space pajamas and that question I wrote down to ask myself in the year 2041.

The Top Indiana Destinations


7. Evanston.
6. Ohio.
5. The log cabin that Indiana grew up in.
4. The log cabin that the log cabin that Indiana grew up in grew up in.
3. Gary.
2. Indianapolis.
1. Chicago.

The lawn furniture was regularly sized.

Staying in the Comfort Inn on South Padre, Texas I have discovered a very curious development. Many things are small in size. The mini-fridge, of course but that is to be expected in any hotel. The pillows, however are small in my estimation. They may fit the head of your average travel writer, but they certainly do not fit the head of your average Von Novak. The towels, too, are designed not to dry a full-bodied man but rather the frame of a small Peloponnese child. Perhaps this hotel was designed for the pygmy tribes of Indonesia? Perhaps the pygmy tribes of Indonesia prefer to vacation in South Padre? I may never answer these questions, but I will dry myself if it takes seven hand towel-sized towels to do so.

The Top Trends in Travel


7. Shoes.
6. Rafts.
5. Unmanned space craft..
4. Seat Belts.
3. Wheels.
2. 3 oz. containers of liquids, according to the TSA.
1. Going places.

Travel Haiku

Dozen shrimp poppers.
Celebrity magazine.
Blue travel pillow.

Two-hour layover.
George Bush Airport in Houston
Trip of a lifetime.

The Top Colors for Luggage


7. Stolen.
6. Sequined.
5. Flannel
4. Tie-dye.
3. Leather.
2. Kind of an off-brown.
1. Whatever color you have everybody else is probably gonna have too.

I have discovered the most spacious seat of the 747 aircraft, the far left restroom. On long flights I immediately make my way to this area for some much needed R & R. I bring two hard cover novels, a body pillow, a map from the mid 1800’s, and of course a framed, life-sized portrait of Carlos. It accommodates all the comforts of home.